No one reaches the end of their life unscathed. Pain is something we all understand. It’s a familiar feeling for every single person on this earth. Loss, heartbreak, failure, it happens to all of us. There’s a level of pain and heartbreak that is expected in this life. Growing pains. 

I had always looked back at the pain I have experienced in my life and felt like it was taboo. It was a dark cloud I carried around with me and it had always defined me. I felt like the things that happened were “who I was.”  I’ve had a lot of therapists, read a lot of self help books and nothing ever clicked. I’m not sure why but every tactic for healing felt superficial to me. I would do things that a healed person would do, but It wasn’t how I felt inside. I subscribed to the idea for a long time that I shouldn’t be sad because a lot of people have it a lot worse than me. In turn, all my pain and hurts made a home inside me and festered until I felt nothing but a dull pain in my chest at all times. Pain was a very loyal companion of mine for the last decade or more. I held onto a lot of resentment toward the people who had hurt me or left me behind. I  saw them as villians in my story and I guess that made it less intense and/or enabled me to not really feel my feelings. 

By the way, all of this is completely okay. It was just how I survived everything I’ve been through. Feelings had never felt safe for me. I wasn’t taught that expressing emotions was okay. Healthy expressions were never modeled for me. Sometimes it feels like everything I’ve learned has been the “hard way.” Some of my lessons and realizations might be common sense for other people but I’ve learned almost everything from scratch. 

 

Storytelling

To survive emotional pain,  I told myself a lot of stories. (PS. you do it too <3) 

Stories like “there’s something wrong with me” or “There is something about me that is hard to love.”’ These stories tend to become self fulfilling prophecies sometimes and they certainly did for me. I chose the people I surrounded myself with based on these stories. I tolerated abuse because of these stories. Every time there was conflict in my life, it just reaffirmed to me that the stories were true. I accepted the stories as fact, and never really learned anything about myself or the world. I never saw anything in a different light and I don’t know if I ever would have If I hadn’t experienced all that I have. 

 

Ouch

Last year I experienced an earth shattering turn of events with a conclusion that shook me to my very core. Everything I thought I knew about myself was challenged or just thrown out the door. I had found a home in people I loved dearly and that home had a crack in the foundation. That home was crumbling to pieces. Really,  I found out it wasn’t a home at all. It was a facade and what was behind it was pretty grim. In a blink of an eye, everything I believed was unraveled. The curtain had been pulled and my deepest fears had rang true. I had never believed the stories I told myself more. They never felt more true. I had poured my heart out to people who didn’t want my heart anymore. Maybe they never did, but either way the important part is that  in every sense of the word, I broke. My emotional floodgates had opened. The truth came rushing in like a thousand knives to the heart. I’ll never forget the night that I knew I was seeing clearly for the first time. For the first time I saw things how they really were and it was a devastating truth. I cried so hard and for so long, my husband had no idea what to do. He picked me up and put me in the shower. Just trying anything to help me breathe. I layed on the shower floor with my clothes on. I was physically sick with sadness. This point in time was my lowest of lows. Rock. Bottom. Bad habits I had kicked long ago rushed back into my daily life. I walked around with sunglasses on for weeks because I just couldn’t stop crying. I picked up smoking cigarettes (it didn’t stick.) Anyway, you get it, I was really sad. 

After a really bad night, my husband drove me to California to see the ocean. It’s all he could do for me. I couldn’t be home. I sat on the beach alone staring  at the water for hours. I watched the waves rise and fall over and over again.  All I could think about was how different I felt. I didn’t feel like me anymore. I felt like my heart wasn’t in my chest. I had experienced pain, grief, and heartbreak before. This didn’t feel like heartbreak, It felt like total obliteration. My entire consciousness was being rattled. Everything I knew was being turned upside down. I felt that pain in my whole body and it was so heavy. I couldn’t carry it anymore. I had to let it go. 

Letting it go

 

So, I did.  I let go of every single fear that held me back and I left. The pain I felt was greater than any fear I had ever had and it enabled me to do one of the things that scared me the most. Leaving. I stopped myself from leaving the home I knew for my whole life for a lot of reasons. One of the main reasons was because I didn’t want to miss out on anything. I didn’t want to miss the people I loved. My desire to stop  living for other people took over. All along the people I lived for didn’t love me how I loved them. So what was all that for? Why had I wasted all that time? I had a lot of questions and I didn’t want to hang out any longer to find the answers.  

 

Mew mork ( a phrase coined by one of the realest) 

New York City was somewhere we wanted to go for a long time but more than anything I just wanted to be as far away as possible. I needed to create physical space between myself and the things that were hurting me. I didn’t know what to expect and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. All I could hope was that maybe for a little while, we could feel some peace. 

 

It turns out, It was exactly what we needed!!!  The pain I experienced a few months ago was a wake up call and this city keeps me wide awake. Finally feeling all that pain ended up being the key to my own personal freedom. I have never felt so much peace in my entire life and I’ve never been more sure about who I am. All it took was allowing myself to feel.

 

I find peace in the most unlikely places.  I hear endless complaints from New Yorkers about the Subway commute. Funnily enough because for some reason, my subway commute has been my haven for reflection. Ganja and subway rides have been my biggest aids in introspection and connecting to my higher self. I make my biggest realizations on the subway. Listening to my favorite songs and journaling my deepest feelings right in plain sight. I love going back and reading the things I write on the subway during the early hours of the morning because they’re my truth and they come directly from the best version of me. I pop up out of the subway and just look around me each morning and I feel so grateful to be here. I am so grateful for what this place has done for me. I know I did the work and I did the hard part, but New York City has been the stage for all of it. 

 

Unlike all the other heartbreaks and growing pains I had lived through, this heartbreak completely changed me. What happened could have made me even more cold and distrustful of the world. I could’ve  spent the rest of my 20s ruminating on how mistreated I was and became closed off and resentful. To be honest, I did do that for a little while. It didn’t bring me any closure and it didn’t bring me any peace. 

 

The moments I closed my eyes and promised to love myself for exactly who I was, I felt all the love that I could ever need. My worth is not defined by how much other people love me. 

 

I spend many mornings listening to my favorite songs and letting each one help me to forgive. I forgive people I know aren’t sorry.  I continue to forgive every day. Why? Because forgiveness literally makes me feel like light is radiating from my gut. The more I forgive, the more light I feel. Sometimes It’s really hard!  However, I know what it feels like to be angry. Being angry was a million times harder. I see the  stories I told myself for a long time for what they are. They’re just stories. Not all stories are true. Any story about me not being good enough is DEFINITELY not true. Why would it be? Because some people who aren’t emotionally skilled made me feel that way? Get out of here with that mess please. That’s me talking to my brain. Very lovingly. 

 

The things I know for sure

The entire universe is within me. (and you too.) 

 

I have an infinite amount of love to give, and this world will never make me cold. 

 

I’m not what has happened to me. 

 

What other people think and do, can never increase or decrease my worth. My worth is an unwavering constant. 

 

I find solace in my own company.

 

I am worthy of love. 

 

I am loved

 

Forgiveness is freeing 

 

People flow freely in and out of my life

 

I’ll always have me, and that’s enough.

 

I can let go. 

 

I can handle my feelings

 

Healing from this pain uncovered a part of me that has been buried for a very long time and I’ve never felt so connected to my higher self. 

I am not glad that it happened, but I am proud of who I became because of it. 

But also woah woah woah, I am still very much grieving, processing, hurting. I still have bad days. The difference is, I know how this pain is moving me forward. I know this pain is stretching me. 

 

I wish people didn’t have to suffer to uncover these truths, but I  believe that sometimes, that’s what it takes. At least that’s what it took for me. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to uncover everything we buried. 

I was really comfortable suffering. Healing was the most uncomfortable thing to do and that’s why I avoided it for so long. 

 

You deserve the freedom that comes from feeling your pain

Feeling your pain and letting it all in will be the best thing you can ever do for yourself okay? Let. It. in. It hurts like a biiiiiiiitttttcccch but you deserve the freedom that comes from feeling your pain. You don’t have to just survive anymore. You can live!